FOR THE RECORD
The much anticipated Britney Spears documentary, aptly titled “For the Record”, has just concluded. I hate to say it was everything I had hoped it would be, because I wasn’t hoping for very much. Thank you MTV for not letting me down.
I have a really hard time feeling any form of pity for someone that has 300 million in the bank. Sorry, I tired but seem to be void of any form of empathy for that scenario. You can’t leave your house because people take your pictures, oh boo freaking hoo. At least when she’s using the ATM she doesn’t have to worry about getting that little receipt spit back out that says “Sorry, your fucking broke bitch.”
The entire documentary was filmed in controlled perspective to show her tortured life of not being able to get out of a car or shop without mobs of people flocking around her. My heart truly breaks. I wish we could send this to the folks down in Darfur somehow so they could see how good they really have it. At one point she started crying proclaiming to the world “I’m not happy.” She goes on to say that she has good days and bad days but has to get up and make a choice to be happy, work and focus on her career despite it all. Oh, to be famous! The troubles these people face. Good days and bad days! Why, I’ve not heard of such things. I only have good days; every morning I wake up the sun is shinning and I’m just glad to be alive. I had to roll my eyes, I said “Britney my dear, you need to join the other six billion people on this planet who get out of bed in the morning and say ‘oh fuck, this shit again.’”
Who does she think she is? Good days and bad, like it’s so unheard of! Like we cured bad days back when we came up with the Polio vaccine? I’ve been having a bad day since 1996. They don’t know what happened exactly, but some chemicals shifted around in my brain that hot summer morning of ’96 and I’ve been in bitch mode ever since.
Personally, I was just fine with crazy Britney. At least that was real. This, this crap, I don’t even know what to think. The documentary answered nothing I wanted to know. Why were you beating SUV’s with an umbrella, Brit? Which narcotics were you using to lose all that weight so fast?
The documentary opened by saying that it was composed of film captured over the past 60 days, and that no questions were off limits or left unanswered. That’s because they didn’t ask anything good. We know nothing more about Britney than we did six months or even a year ago. Nothing except that she has a new CD coming out, a new music video she’s working on and two perfumes that were promoted mercilessly throughout the documentary. It was nothing but a cheap promotion wrapped in the disguise of an in depth interview the way only MTV could do.
If you want to know what’s really been going on with Britney, send me in there. I’ll get to the bottom of that mess. “What the fuck are you crying for, shut the hell up” I’d scream as I slapped her in the face, “You want something to cry about, do you? How about we watch Christmas videos from my childhood, yeah that’s right, I’ll give you something to cry about bitch.”
- Michael
BYE NOBODY WILL MISS YOU
I am so excited TRL is finally going off the air; I think I may have a party. I think I will. I will have a party, even if it’s just me celebrating by myself. I will have some Doritos in bowl and I’ll serve drinks. Oh I be so excited! It’s like finding out that dog fighting ring down the street is being shut down. Finally, the mindless torture of music for profit has come to an end.
I never much cared for it. It was so pointless to watch in the first place. They showed maybe four seconds total of the actual videos. Only four seconds because most videos that made it on the show were so ridiculous if they showed five or six seconds people would pull out firearms and start mass riots in the streets. The last time I flipped it on I saw they were premiering a Hilary Duff video. I thought if Aretha Franklin’s career could only see this it would roll over in its grave. Sure, some of Hilary’s songs are catchy, but so is Chlamydia; doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing.
I think MTV got HIV along time ago. Its programming health has just deteriorated. Who they are marketing to I absolutely cannot understand. I’m technically still within its target demographic range yet I find it totally idiotic.
“Music Television….” I say, “Why then am I watching four guys in a bus date the same girl in two minute intervals before she screams ‘NEXT!’?”
It makes no sense. If MTV is where it’s at I want nothing to do with it. No dumb-ing down for me thank you very much. I enjoy my intelligence.
I think the fact that the film Napoleon Dynamite was produced by MTV really speaks for itself. If someone were to ask me what that movie was about they would get a blank stare. For once in my life I would have nothing to say. I have not a clue. It was two hours of me sitting on the couch repeating to myself “what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.” The fact that the movie did so well speaks to the intelligence of the average American. This is what people chose to spend their free time viewing? This is what people chose to spend their hard earned money on at the movies?
If that’s the case, then I imagine the news that TRL has finally been cancelled will not greet most with the elation is has filled my soul. I imagine it will greet many in the form of great sadness. I imagine many will not be throwing a “Thank Jesus They Finally Canceled That Crap” party. Instead they will grieve the day when they are forced to watch a music video in its entirety. Oh heaven forbid.
Perhaps though, just perhaps, if we are all forced to watch an entire video it will start a music revolution. Perhaps after being forced to actually listen to more than four seconds of a song by Hilary Duff or Ashlee Simpson people will cry out for music that doesn’t suck. The music industry can stop blaming illegal downloading for poor sales and finally say to itself “Wait just one minute here! Maybe Brooke Hogan didn’t deserve a record contract. Perhaps we should have thought things through more clearly before we signed Lindsay Lohan to a three record deal. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps!”
I know that won’t happen. It would be too good. Things that revolutionary don’t happen without a mob protest. I’m free on Thursday, anybody else down?
Peace and love –
