SOCelebrity

For any of you who neglected to watch the premier of Britney Spear’s new video for Womanizer, I bet you’re really kicking yourself right now. I can’t get over what a hard time you’re going to have sleeping tonight thinking of what you missed out on. I’ll always remember where I was when this historic event took place: mere inches away from my television screen, watching in awe and amazement; the imagery, oh the imagery, still so fresh in my mind. And you missed it.

I bet you feel like a damn fool right now.

I digress; sadly, it is I that feels like the damn fool this evening dear reader. Why, for some reason I actually believed that ABC would air the video at the beginning of 20/20. What a moron I was, clearly Barbara Walters was to smart to do that. She knows nobody would willingly watch her senile ass these days, nobody would put themselves though that agony intentionally; they have to be lured in, like a mouse to the trap with a fragment of cheese.

To get to that piece of tempting cheese, I had to weather Barbra Walter’s interview with Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband, Peter Cook. We all know he cheated, we all know he engaged in cyber sex, why he gets a 20/20 segment devoted to him really boggles my mind. If we devoted a twenty minute to every male in this country that has whacked it on webcam, we’d have enough material to air from now until Armageddon. Same as when Clay Aiken got the cover of People Magazine for coming out as a homosexual. I haven’t even commented on it because it was the absolute dumbest story ever, the article was such a waste of space. Like anybody really gasped as they grabbed the magazine in a checkout aisle, exclaiming to the masses “I had no idea!” Everybody fucking knew. If you didn’t, you’re most likely still waiting for the article in National Geographic to reassure you that the earth is still round.

Alas, we must steer back on track as I am quite off topic at this point.

Call me a prude, but every time I heard Barbra Walter’s say the word ‘masturbate’, a little piece of my soul died; and I didn’t have much of one to start with. There was a good five minute discussion on the subject where she said the word, god only knows how many times. It got to the point where I really felt it was almost unnecessary, she was just saying it because I think, despite acting like a professional journalist, she still thinks it’s a funny word.

I suffered though that, then an editorial about the youth of the nation voting. John Stossel questioning that, as the majority of youth in this nation are complete bonehead morons, is it wise they should even vote? The general conclusion seemed to be no, voting should be left to the wise, trusting them to make good decisions. I would totally agree with this, if the same policy also applied to those running for public office. If you only want intelligent voters casting their ballots, I say they should only be casting them for intelligent nominees. If that was the case, I think its safe to say we could eliminate a good deal of people running this year, and about half of them elected in 2004. Until intelligence is mandated on both sides, I say let the voter booths and ballot boxes become a clusterfuck of idiocracy. Surely, you cannot expect every one of legal voting age to be well informed, exhibiting intellect and independent thought, can you? When most have come through the public school system, a system of No Child Left Behind that was enacted by, I’m sorry, who was that again? What does one expect?

FINALLY, after much agony, the premier of Miss Spear’s new video sparkled across the screen into my retinas. It was the feeling of all things pleasurable at once, orgasmic bliss filled my body. “Oh Britney” the thought ran through my mind, “those Nay Sayers, oh those who said nay, that your career was over, that you would never make a comeback, oh how wrong they were! How wrong they were.”

Because, when you’re debuting your new video at the end of 20/20, you know your career has nowhere to go but up…

- Michael