IF YOU SEEK AMY
Um, I have an issue. Well, I have multiple, but we are going to focus on one at a time today. My most current and pressing issue is with the song “If You Seek Amy” by Britney Spears.
Everyone has been muttering about the genius lyrics of the song because you have all clearly been huffing ReddiWhip cans. Rumor has it that when one says, “If you seek Amy” that it sounds very similar to saying, “if you fuck me.”
I understand a great deal many things, so I know it has to be all of you that are cognitively impaired because this one eludes me. I’ve listened to the song about four hundred and twenty-two times and you know what it sounds like to me? “If you seek Amy…” That’s what it sounds like, it sounds exactly like the words she’s saying.
So I googled it seeing if someone could help clarify my confusion, because we all know the internet is filled with brilliance. I found a message board where someone was saying anyone who didn’t understand this is clearly retarded. I’d like to meet this person face to face because I’d be willing to bet you diamonds for dirt they are missing teeth and sport a mullet. This person laid out the lyrics, as seen below, and I assume the upper case words are what one is supposed to emphasize.
Let’s all try together: “all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you SEEK AMY.” It ended with, “and if that doesn’t make sense, your a moron.”
Oh good sir, am I really? Am I really a moron? To me it would make a lot more sense if the word “seek” was replaced with “fuck” and “amy” with “me.” Yes, I think that is how it would make the most sense.
“all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to you if you fuck me.”
“Oh, yes, I get it now!”
The other problem I have with it is that even if it DOES mean “fuck me,” from a grammatical viewpoint, it makes little sense at best. All of the boys and girls are begging to…what? Begging to do what if you fuck her? They aren’t begging to fuck her, they are begging to do something else after they’ve fucked her, but what? (“all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to BLANK if you fuck me.”) Apparently in the mind of Britney we simply do not need to know. I thought perhaps they were begging to see Amy, since other verses of the song seem to allude to this character of Amy. But if Amy is Britney’s vah-jay and they just fucked it…then they already met Amy as their penis was just in it!
This song ticks me off more than “Everytime.” I loathed that song for such a long time because it bothered me that they put every and time together. Every and time do not go together. That is not a word. It’s every space time. Dammit.
I guess in this world of trying to make sense of things, one has to pick their battles lest they should lose their damn mind. I’m going to let this one go for a while, but if anyone can explain it to me it would be much appreciated. Maybe I have the volume up to loud, or perhaps to quiet? Regardless, I feel like someone that has been left out of an inside joke, and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.
- Michael
FOR THE RECORD
The much anticipated Britney Spears documentary, aptly titled “For the Record”, has just concluded. I hate to say it was everything I had hoped it would be, because I wasn’t hoping for very much. Thank you MTV for not letting me down.
I have a really hard time feeling any form of pity for someone that has 300 million in the bank. Sorry, I tired but seem to be void of any form of empathy for that scenario. You can’t leave your house because people take your pictures, oh boo freaking hoo. At least when she’s using the ATM she doesn’t have to worry about getting that little receipt spit back out that says “Sorry, your fucking broke bitch.”
The entire documentary was filmed in controlled perspective to show her tortured life of not being able to get out of a car or shop without mobs of people flocking around her. My heart truly breaks. I wish we could send this to the folks down in Darfur somehow so they could see how good they really have it. At one point she started crying proclaiming to the world “I’m not happy.” She goes on to say that she has good days and bad days but has to get up and make a choice to be happy, work and focus on her career despite it all. Oh, to be famous! The troubles these people face. Good days and bad days! Why, I’ve not heard of such things. I only have good days; every morning I wake up the sun is shinning and I’m just glad to be alive. I had to roll my eyes, I said “Britney my dear, you need to join the other six billion people on this planet who get out of bed in the morning and say ‘oh fuck, this shit again.’”
Who does she think she is? Good days and bad, like it’s so unheard of! Like we cured bad days back when we came up with the Polio vaccine? I’ve been having a bad day since 1996. They don’t know what happened exactly, but some chemicals shifted around in my brain that hot summer morning of ’96 and I’ve been in bitch mode ever since.
Personally, I was just fine with crazy Britney. At least that was real. This, this crap, I don’t even know what to think. The documentary answered nothing I wanted to know. Why were you beating SUV’s with an umbrella, Brit? Which narcotics were you using to lose all that weight so fast?
The documentary opened by saying that it was composed of film captured over the past 60 days, and that no questions were off limits or left unanswered. That’s because they didn’t ask anything good. We know nothing more about Britney than we did six months or even a year ago. Nothing except that she has a new CD coming out, a new music video she’s working on and two perfumes that were promoted mercilessly throughout the documentary. It was nothing but a cheap promotion wrapped in the disguise of an in depth interview the way only MTV could do.
If you want to know what’s really been going on with Britney, send me in there. I’ll get to the bottom of that mess. “What the fuck are you crying for, shut the hell up” I’d scream as I slapped her in the face, “You want something to cry about, do you? How about we watch Christmas videos from my childhood, yeah that’s right, I’ll give you something to cry about bitch.”
- Michael
