SKAT
January 12, 2009 at 4:52 pm (life) (America, Doritos, Dove Bar, emcee skat cat, fat, fist fucking, fisting, fucking, Hungry Man, Irish, obese, overweight, paula abdul, potato famine, scat, skat, Snickers, starch, United States, USA)
I love the overweight because they always have snacks. A bag of Doritos in the glove box, Snickers bar in the top left drawer of their desk, a pint of Haagen-Dazs in their purse.
“I could really go for a Dove Bar” I would say.
“Check my inside right coat pocket. I think I brought some with me” one might reply.
I got to thinking about America’s warped views on many things the other day when I saw a commercial for Hungry Man microwave dinners. A whole pound of food; mashed potatoes, fried chicken and a side of trans fat dipping sauce for the fries. If a woman ate this, she would be viewed an unhealthy, fat swine. A man partakes of it’s artery clogging goodness and he’s just that: a man. He’s not fat, he’s just a hungry man who needs fuel to get through the long work day. Albeit, most modern men work in offices, you’d be surprised how quickly one burns calories word processing and filing memos. A woman’s ideal lunch is still a tablet of Ex-Lax and a fat-free Yoplait. Today I’m having a Mento and a stick of gum.
We also have a very distorted view of what constitutes alcoholism. You get drunk one time and throw a bottle at someone’s head, next thing you know you’re in a room with six friends urging you to go to rehab.
“Tom, we all saw how you polished off those two beers last night. That’s the second time this month you have drank so heavily, Tom. Tom, we really think you need help, okay Tom? If you don’t lay off the sauce I’ll be forced to go to court and file for sole custody of our children, okay Tom?”
You get a little crazy once or twice and everyone acts like you have hypodermic needles hanging out of your arms and a meth pipe in your mouth.
I can finish a fifth of vodka in two days and I happen to think that makes me cool. Pop a couple pills of something while I’m at it, I don’t need rehab, I need my own cable television show (holler Tara Reid). Perhaps this is solely because I am of Irish decent which causes me to have a different take on things. We are a people who like the drink. True, I’m probably only .004 percent Irish, but I act like I just walked straight out of the potato famine. I do love potatoes. I really should research that famine a little deeper. I can’t understand how a people could starve to death due to a lack of potatoes. Why could they not switch to carrots, is starch that addictive?
Yet with all the insanity that goes on in this country, Paula Abdul glides right under the radar doing a duet with Emcee Skat Cat (Opposites Attract, 1989)? Has nobody noticed that his name is one changed consonant away from being scat? You know, coprophagia, or the practice of eating your own or another person’s fecal matter? I have to wonder why nobody said, “You know, Paula, maybe we should go with a name that doesn’t conjure up images of human defecation.” Perhaps they did, but she’s always so messed up on pills she probably doesn’t even remember recording the song.
I’d be curious to see the list of names they rejected before going with Skat Cat. Ringo the Rim Job Robin? Flemmy the Fist Fucking Flamingo? Penny the Piss-slut Penguin or Tito the Tea Bagging Tyrannosaurus. “No” they said, “I think we’ll stick with Skat Cat instead.” Yeah, good call. It’s the same absurd logic that is behind bleeping the word cum out of every form of media, but you can say skeet.
It doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t claim to understand it. I just live here. I go along with it because if I think about it to much I’ll go insane; and I’m barely clinging to that last thread of sanity as it is.
I will close by copying a portion of a letter written into the advice column found on GoAskAlice.com:
Dear Alice,
I’ve always been fascinated with scat play. My question is this: is consuming (eating) your partner’s feces safe? Or will it make me sick or worse (is it poisonous)?
Dear Reader,
Copraphagia is often a component of the wider term coprophilia, which refers to getting sexual pleasure from the excretion of human feces, whether it’s from its smell, touch, taste or sight. Scat is another term for feces, and scat sex or scat play refers to using scat in sexual activities. Although playing with someone’s scat is generally regarded as safe if proper protection is used (think latex gloves, plastic wrap, dental dams, washing with soap before and after sex), eating someone else’s scat can greatly increase one’s risk of parasitic, bacterial and viral infections. This does not mean that eating feces is necessarily poisonous, but it can make you very sick. Shigella, campylobacter, salmonella and E.coli are four bacteria commonly present in fecal matter. These bacteria, along with parasites like amebas and giardia, can cause severe diarrhea, abdominal pain and cramping, bloody stools, fever, nausea and vomiting. The viruses Hepatitis A and E may also be transmitted through contact with fecal matter.
I think I’m a little turned on. Nothing like a bout with severe diarrhea and Hepatitis A to set the mood.
- Michael
