SOCelebrity

The much anticipated Britney Spears documentary, aptly titled “For the Record”, has just concluded. I hate to say it was everything I had hoped it would be, because I wasn’t hoping for very much. Thank you MTV for not letting me down.

I have a really hard time feeling any form of pity for someone that has 300 million in the bank. Sorry, I tired but seem to be void of any form of empathy for that scenario. You can’t leave your house because people take your pictures, oh boo freaking hoo. At least when she’s using the ATM she doesn’t have to worry about getting that little receipt spit back out that says “Sorry, your fucking broke bitch.”

The entire documentary was filmed in controlled perspective to show her tortured life of not being able to get out of a car or shop without mobs of people flocking around her. My heart truly breaks. I wish we could send this to the folks down in Darfur somehow so they could see how good they really have it. At one point she started crying proclaiming to the world “I’m not happy.” She goes on to say that she has good days and bad days but has to get up and make a choice to be happy, work and focus on her career despite it all. Oh, to be famous! The troubles these people face. Good days and bad days! Why, I’ve not heard of such things. I only have good days; every morning I wake up the sun is shinning and I’m just glad to be alive. I had to roll my eyes, I said “Britney my dear, you need to join the other six billion people on this planet who get out of bed in the morning and say ‘oh fuck, this shit again.’”

Who does she think she is? Good days and bad, like it’s so unheard of! Like we cured bad days back when we came up with the Polio vaccine? I’ve been having a bad day since 1996. They don’t know what happened exactly, but some chemicals shifted around in my brain that hot summer morning of ’96 and I’ve been in bitch mode ever since.

Personally, I was just fine with crazy Britney. At least that was real. This, this crap, I don’t even know what to think. The documentary answered nothing I wanted to know. Why were you beating SUV’s with an umbrella, Brit? Which narcotics were you using to lose all that weight so fast?

The documentary opened by saying that it was composed of film captured over the past 60 days, and that no questions were off limits or left unanswered. That’s because they didn’t ask anything good. We know nothing more about Britney than we did six months or even a year ago. Nothing except that she has a new CD coming out, a new music video she’s working on and two perfumes that were promoted mercilessly throughout the documentary. It was nothing but a cheap promotion wrapped in the disguise of an in depth interview the way only MTV could do.

If you want to know what’s really been going on with Britney, send me in there. I’ll get to the bottom of that mess. “What the fuck are you crying for, shut the hell up” I’d scream as I slapped her in the face, “You want something to cry about, do you? How about we watch Christmas videos from my childhood, yeah that’s right, I’ll give you something to cry about bitch.”

- Michael