I Look To You
Whitney Houston, silent for almost a decade, is back. It is perhaps the most anticipated musical comeback of the decade. Well, I take that back: Michael Jackson’s London concert series “This Is It” was undoubtably the most anticipated musical comeback of the decade. But, I digress, a vile of Propofol and a penchant for sedatives put the kabosh on that. So here we are, left looking to the now middle aged Queen who holds the answer to the one question Michael can no longer answer: is a musical comeback of such anticipated proportions possible? Or is ‘the voice’, much like vinyl records and Member’s Only Jackets, part of our past that will only inspire nostalgia for a bygone era?
I have spent much of my evening, for I have a nearly nonexistent social life, listening to tracks from the singer’s upcoming album, “I Look to You.” It’s hard to put into words how I feel about what I heard, but I’m a master of vernacular so I’m sure I can come up with something. I suppose I feel like this:
If this is what drugs can do to the voice of a generation, to a national treasure, then I don’t even want a Tylenol for the migraine it gave me. Drugs. Are. Bad. The opening track, “Million Dollar Bill”, while catchy as hell, is rather week. It is very Rihanna-esque, taking lesson from Miss Jackson, in it’s ability to mask the singer’s inability to um, sing. It’s not fair to compare the Whitney Houston of today with the Whitney of the past in the same way it would be unfair to compare new Michael Jackson with Thriller era Jackson. While she can still belt it out, there is one noticeable difference between old and new Whitney: this Whitney seems much more forced. She isn’t easily singing along, commanding the track, but instead working to keep up with the heavily pop-laden beats featured on this CD.
Still, ballads such as the title track “I Look to You”, feature small remnants of a voice that is still far greater than most played on today’s top 40 radio stations. While the Whitney who belted out “Queen of the Night” and “I Will Always Love You” may be gone forever, she isn’t going out without a fight.
It isn’t as easy as it used to be for Whitney. She has to work twice as hard to sound half as good in her latest attempt at a comeback. Perhaps her voice is just a mere parallel to the American Dream; A dream in which we all have to work twice as hard to get half as far. If your waiting for classic Whitney to blow your speakers, your probably still waiting for national healthcare and gay marriage: it’s not going to happen on this disk. But if your looking for a set of well crafted songs showcasing what is left of this American icon, a voice that inspired generations, “I Look to You” is where you’ll find it.
But that’s just my opinion.
- Michael
IF YOU SEEK AMY
Um, I have an issue. Well, I have multiple, but we are going to focus on one at a time today. My most current and pressing issue is with the song “If You Seek Amy” by Britney Spears.
Everyone has been muttering about the genius lyrics of the song because you have all clearly been huffing ReddiWhip cans. Rumor has it that when one says, “If you seek Amy” that it sounds very similar to saying, “if you fuck me.”
I understand a great deal many things, so I know it has to be all of you that are cognitively impaired because this one eludes me. I’ve listened to the song about four hundred and twenty-two times and you know what it sounds like to me? “If you seek Amy…” That’s what it sounds like, it sounds exactly like the words she’s saying.
So I googled it seeing if someone could help clarify my confusion, because we all know the internet is filled with brilliance. I found a message board where someone was saying anyone who didn’t understand this is clearly retarded. I’d like to meet this person face to face because I’d be willing to bet you diamonds for dirt they are missing teeth and sport a mullet. This person laid out the lyrics, as seen below, and I assume the upper case words are what one is supposed to emphasize.
Let’s all try together: “all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you SEEK AMY.” It ended with, “and if that doesn’t make sense, your a moron.”
Oh good sir, am I really? Am I really a moron? To me it would make a lot more sense if the word “seek” was replaced with “fuck” and “amy” with “me.” Yes, I think that is how it would make the most sense.
“all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to you if you fuck me.”
“Oh, yes, I get it now!”
The other problem I have with it is that even if it DOES mean “fuck me,” from a grammatical viewpoint, it makes little sense at best. All of the boys and girls are begging to…what? Begging to do what if you fuck her? They aren’t begging to fuck her, they are begging to do something else after they’ve fucked her, but what? (“all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to BLANK if you fuck me.”) Apparently in the mind of Britney we simply do not need to know. I thought perhaps they were begging to see Amy, since other verses of the song seem to allude to this character of Amy. But if Amy is Britney’s vah-jay and they just fucked it…then they already met Amy as their penis was just in it!
This song ticks me off more than “Everytime.” I loathed that song for such a long time because it bothered me that they put every and time together. Every and time do not go together. That is not a word. It’s every space time. Dammit.
I guess in this world of trying to make sense of things, one has to pick their battles lest they should lose their damn mind. I’m going to let this one go for a while, but if anyone can explain it to me it would be much appreciated. Maybe I have the volume up to loud, or perhaps to quiet? Regardless, I feel like someone that has been left out of an inside joke, and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.
- Michael
SAD STATE
The financial aid office, aka the one place where the Nazi regime still has a stronghold on administrative policy, is where I spent two hours of my life. Two hours that I will regrettably never be able get back.
I have to imagine the application for employment in that particular department consists of two questions:
1.) Are you a complete bitch?
2.) Do you get off destroying the hopes and dreams of this nation’s youth by ripping the financial rug right out from underneath them?
I think this because every person that words in that office is an asshole. You walk in and the receptionist is a gigantic puckering sphincter, winking at you asking, “What the fuck do you want?” Because you’re clearly interrupting everyone with your pathetic, mindless concerns about paying for your degree.
Then they make you fill out a thirty-seven page form regarding the nature of your visit to the financial aid office, which they promptly throw away when you turn it back in. They must, they must throw it away because when you finally do make it to one of the advisors they ask you the same exact questions. It’s a very Nazi thing to do; it’s the clerical version of a forced labor camp.
After waiting several hours, they finally send an obese woman who is the poster child for “don’t give a fucking shit,” wearing an expression that implies she couldn’t really care less if you dropped dead. That’s when the ungodly mental abuse begins.
They sit you in a cubicle and answer your questions with questions.
“I’m a little curious, why did they decide to take back my financial aid?”
“Well, do you know why they took back your financial aid?”
“No, ma’am, I do not. That’s why I am here.” This is when they take a tone with you and act as if you are asking a question you should already know the answer to.
“If you would have read form 124.87B, section 22.3, paragraphs 89-2,300 you would see the policy and procedure that is in place for revoking financial aid.”
“I have no idea what form 124.87B, section 22.4, paragraphs 89-2,300, is.”
“Sir, this is not that complicated to understand.”
“Well, clearly it is that complicated otherwise they wouldn’t have dedicated 6,000 square feet of office space specifically for the sole purpose of explaining it. If it wasn’t that complicated this area would be a cafeteria, but alas, it is an office designed for explaining financial aid, so it must be that complicated.”
Today while my advisor was rambling on about some whatchamafuck form, all I could think was how both myself and the bolts in the chair she was sitting on are both under a great deal of stress; sooner or later, one of us is going to snap. Oh, but you can’t say that out loud, not on a college campus. Not with all the decapitating of fellow classmates and such that is going on these days. No, they would rather drive you silently to the brink of insanity, keep it to yourself, go home and down a bottle of pills and end your suffering in a quiet, dignified manner. It’s the proper way to do things. I’m sure there’s a form that explains all of it, but I haven’t been able to find that one either.
Her advice to me was that I could put the tuition payment on a credit card. That’s the same thing the woman at Macy’s told me. And Guess. And Gap. And H&M. Now Visa owns not only my mortal body but my soul in the afterlife. I have started selling off parts of my brain to help patients with brain damage to make minimum payments. It’s cool though, I clearly have more than enough brain to go around since her suggestion was one of the stupidest ideas I have ever heard in my life. Yes, let me charge this semester to my credit card with 300% interest, you dumb asshole. Maybe if I’m lucky that will earn me enough Reward Zone points to get a $5.00 Starbucks gift card so I can sip a macchiato and mull over the sad state of my financial affairs. I think that is exactly what I need.
- Michael
LET’S DISCUSS
My Intro to Prose Fiction teacher is really rubbing me the wrong way. Let’s talk about it, shall we?
I have not in the last 5 semesters gotten anything lower than an A- on a single test. Today she handed back my exam on The Awakening by Kate Chopin, the word’s most bland book, and I saw an unfamiliar letter on the top. She gave me a B. A fucking B. She gave me a B because in one of my essay questions she said that part of my answer was irrelevant to what was asked.
Not relevant? Let’s talk about irrelevant. Let’s talk about how irrelevant that knock off Burberry scarf she had draped around her neck like a loon was to her outfit, see EXHIBIT A below:
What? Why, why was it there. What purpose was it serving. The room was quite toasty, and it clearly matching NOTHING. Irrelevant my ass, clearly she doesn’t understand the concept of relevancy.
And fuck yes I take pictures of people when they aren’t looking. Why not? What’s the purpose of a camera phone if you don’t use it to take embarrassing pictures of people? Technology is of no value to anyone if we don’t use it to it’s fullest potential!
- Michael
DAMN QUEERS
For what is believed to be the first time ever, Wheel of Fortune featured an openly gay couple on the show. I knew this is what would happen if the liberals stared taking over. This is exactly what starts to happen when people stop taking the Bible literally and realize it wasn’t the divine inspired word of god but a mistranslated, misunderstood book written by mortal men. They start letting fags in the army and on our game shows!
Watch Vanna White’s face. You can tell she’s thinking, “This is exactly the reason I voted ‘yes’ on proposition eight.”
MILEY CYRUS CAN GO TO HELL
Do I have issue with Miley Cyrus? Well, I think that’s a rather silly question to be asking. Of course I do. Of course I have issue with Miley Cyrus, that incestuous nymph (see photo below. That’s how my dad and I watch movies together, only I’m usually in just a thong).
I am not just filled with horror to be blogging about her most recent music video, but more so horrified that she was ever allowed to make a music video in the first place! We live in some dark times my friends, dark times indeed. I believe Nostradamus prophesied such evil in the end days of this planet.
This issue I take with the Fly On the Wall video is that it is a direct rip off of Michael Jackson’s Thriller. The only difference is that the “Michael Jackson” character turns into a paparazzi, not a monster, after leaving the movie theater and chases Miley around town. Where Michael Jackson’s face turned into that of a horrifying monster in Thriller, the Fly On the Wall video features this boys slurpee cup morphing into a camera. I would like a small, round lead projectile submerged into my brain please. What an original idea. She’s on her what, third music video? and she already has to resort to recycling old ideas? That screams career longevity right there.
In Thriller we all recall the flawless choreographed dancing of Michael Jackson and all the hideous undead. In Miley’s video, however, there is a choreographed dance scene of paparazzi mimicking the Thriller dance (because why the hell not?). She of course stands off to the side and observes because, to reiterate, she has no talent and cannot dance. The only dance move she can do involves her spreading her arms and stumbling around, looking like a bird with down syndrome about to fly into a large glass window.
The video ends with her bitching about being followed around by the paparazzi, and hunny, I have to sympathize with you on that. I wish the paparazzi didn’t follow you around either. I would much rather they followed someone that is interesting. Someone that isn’t Disney Channel’s bitch.
If the video wasn’t reason enough to add Miley Cyrus to my thirty-three thousand page listing of people who I don’t much care for, the fact that Chris Crocker likes her is. All credibility of something, even if it only had a miniscule amount to begin with, is lost when someone who walks around saying, “It’s a hair flip” and “eat my corn hole” endorses it. True, Chris Crocker was all for Britney Spears, but that situation varied slightly because Miss Spears gives the impression she wouldn’t be caught dead in the same room with him. Miley Cyrus and Chris Crocker have pictures together. Evil.
I give this video negative eighty-seven million stars.
-Michael
The Video: Watch but be forewarned.
CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET
A supposed new Janet Jackson track has leaked called “Secret.” I have to wonder who they got to sing this track because I am starting to highly doubt it was actually Miss Jackson. Regardless, it is sort of catchy, whether it’s new or old it is sort of growing on me, yet, still leaves me longing for more. Copy/Paste the link below to listen….
- Michael
http://blogs.sohh.com/soul/2009/01/its_no_secretjanet_jackson_mak.html
MY BLOG ABOUT POLITICS
Do I think George Bush has herpes? Absolutely. How could he not after he spent the last eight years systematically fucking every single person in this country, man, woman and child, in the ass?
But we are now a people united once again under the new administration of President Obama. The past is in the past, it has no power here! That is unless you are one of the millions who have found themselves unemployed, homeless, bankrupt, or lost everything in the collapse of the stock market. It’s all in the past unless you happen to have not yet had the pleasure of being born. No, you future generations will not have the delight of opening the door of your home to see the Publisher’s Clearing House gentlemen standing there with a check for you. You will hear the doorbell ring and open the door to the fine folks at the Federal Reserve congratulating you on inheriting ten trillion dollars in debt!
“I don’t quite understand, why am I receiving this?” They will say as we scoff; why it all makes so much sense.
“Because our banking system couldn’t regulate itself, so now you get to pay off the billions of untraced, unallocated funds we pumped back into it to ensure the executives received their bonuses before everything went to hell.”
But the past is in the past, as long as nobody looks east. It’s a hell of a mess over there.
Someone started a war or something, whole area went straight to Hades in an oil barrel.
I was very excited watching the inauguration of our new leader into office. Until today. I hear he has plans to shut down Guantanamo. Great, isn’t that just what we need! Millions already out of jobs and now this! Here I was thinking the unconstitutional torture industry was a sure bet for career growth and expansion. What next, Abu Ghraib? They were finally working out all the kinks with the water boarding and what not.
I see he also plans on getting rid of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I hope he is aware that policy was the only thing holding our army together. As soon as we let the faggots in there the whole thing is going to turn into a butt fucking, sausagefest sodomy parade.
Yes, I think I can see why so many people on FOX NEWS have compared him to Hitler these past few months. Promoting equality was exactly what Auschwitz was constructed for. It all makes sense to me now. It all makes sense to me now…
- Michael
